Sabado, Oktubre 25, 2014

Literature Epiphany #1

TUNGKUNG LANGIT AND ALUNSINA

KUNG BABALIK NA SI ALUNSINA...

MALAMANG HINDI NA BABAGYO.
HINDI NA TAYO SASALANTAHIN NG MGA
LUHA'T HAGULGOL NI TUNGKUNG LANGIT.
SUBALIT KAAGAPAY NITO AY ANG PAG-KAWALA
NG MGA MAGAGARANG ALAHAS SA HIMPAPAWID,
MGA BITUIN AT ANG BUWAN...
PATI NA ANG MUNDO.



Martes, Oktubre 21, 2014

Frustrated Lawyer? O Frustrated Lover?


Your honor!

Falling in love with you was a FORTUITOUS EVENT
An event which could not be foreseen, or which, though foreseen,
was inevitable. Article 1174 of Law on Obligation and Contracts.


Sabihin na nating... ang pagkagusto ko sa'yo ay PRIMA FACIE.
Pero ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo, for sure, ay CONCLUSIVE.


Nagamitan na kita ng COLLATERAL ATTACK
Noong itinanong mo kung gusto ba talaga kita
At ang naisagot ko ay isang mapagpatunay na "Mahal kita."
At ang mga effort ko ang magsisilbing ebidensya.


Sana naman ay in-apply mo ang
LAST CLEAR CHANCE DOCTRINE sa akin.
Alam mo namang mahuhulog talaga ako sa'yo...
Medyo liable ka nang saluhin ako!


Wala namang masamang saluhin ako.
Since ang pagmamahal ko naman ay GENERIC,
alam mo namang GENUS NUNQUAM PERIT!
"Generic thing never perishes."


Anyway, kung itong mutual understanding natin
ay naging kontrata, malamang na VOIDABLE CONTRACT dahil 
I have the capacity to love and you are the incapacitated party


Pero masaklap man isipin at hindi ko kinayang tanggapin,
Ang kinalaunan ng MUTUAL AGENCY
ay isang nakababagabag na UNILATERAL CONTRACT


Kaya kahit pa sabi sa CONSTITUTION
ay NO EX POST FACTO LAW
Pramis! Kung biglang na-realize mo na matagal mo na rin akong mahal,
Bumalik ka lang sa akin at tatanggapin ko 'yang pagmamahal mo.


Ngayon lang ako umibig ng ganito
At inaabuso mo yata ang pagiging malakas mo sa akin
dahil alam mong PRIOR TEMPURE POTIOR JURE
"First in time, stronger in right."


Kasi, ako naman si tanga... 
masunurin sa NO DEMAND, NO DELAY
Na anytime na may demand ka
Never na-delay!


Sabi tuloy ng mga kaibigan ko
Tama na, I have to move on
I object!
Sapagkat ang pagmu-move on ay INVOLUNTARY SERVITUDE!
You cannot compel a person to do something against his will.
My right will be violated as stated at Section 18 (2) of Bill of Rights
"No involuntary servitude in any form shall exist except as a
punishment for a crime whereof the party shall have been
duly convicted."
Thus, unless ang one-sided-love ko ay isang crime that I'm guilty of,
Malamang na dapat nga na mag-move on na ako.


Masakit 'yun gawin
Kasing sakit sa pagtanggap sa
Pagka-friendzone mo sa'kin na inihahalintulad ko sa law
at ginagamitan ito ng principle na DURA LEX SED LEX!
"The law maybe harsh but is the law"


As well as,
Kahit gaano pa ako kalakas
At kahit sabihin ko pang nabuhay akong may pusong bato,
Ang heartbreak ay parang pagkainutil sa batas
at hinding-hindi matatakasan ang prinsipyong
IGNORANTIA LEGIS NEMINEM EXCUSAT
"Ignorance of the law... EXCUSES NO ONE"


Your honor!
According to Section 1, Bill of Rights
"No person shall be deprived of life, liberty and property"
Kung gayon, my right has been violated...
I am deprived of 'YOUR LOVE",
deprived "TO LOVE YOU",
and deprived "TO CALL YOU MINE."


Sa hukumang ito
Ang ipinaglalaban ko bilang tagapagtanggol at nasasakdal
ay walang iba kundi ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo.
Ito ang krimen na isinampa sa akin.
And I will not invoke my right against self-incrimination!

Guilty or not guilty?
Guilty, your honor!


Martes, Oktubre 14, 2014

Abortive Strategic Planning


T'was a plan to unlove you but


Though I am not texting you anymore...

doesn't mean I have forgotten you like how you have forgotten me.
Though I am not calling like what I usually do...
doesn't mean I do not miss hearing your voice.
Though I am not trying to catch up like what you've always expected...
doesn't mean I don't care for you anymore.
Though I am not annoying you like how I typically do to flirt...
doesn't mean I hate you now.
Though it seems like I am not missing you...
doesn't mean I don't crave for your company at all.
Though it looks like I am not hankering after your caress...
doesn't mean I have moved on.
Though I know you do not think of me...
I swear, you are in my every thought.

Although I have constructed goals and objectives to succeed such as


To care...

is what I am trying to elude.
To think of you no more...
is what I am trying to aim.
To like you...
is something I desire to undo.
To fall for your flaws...
is one of the bad habits I want to discard.
To long for you...
is the vice that I long to ditch.

Notwithstanding...


To make you feel loved by no one but me...

is why I want to explode!
is why I feel like dying!
is why I am moribund!
is why I can't breathe and it's worse than my asthma!

This is vindicated by excuses,


For I still want to do my best.

For I still want to make myself deserving of your love.
For as long as I can feel you're not truly happy with someone else...
it makes me want to loathe these plan, goals and objectives.


Can you see how painful it is to abhor my ambition

to subsist on my mission to repel you?!

Biyernes, Oktubre 10, 2014

Sabi Ko Naman...


Mangulila't Maghanap


Siguro habang buhay kong hahanapin sa isang tao ang ilang bahagi ng pagkatao mo.

Mapapansin ko na lang na mas pipiliin ko ang taong maaaring kahawig mo,
lalong-lalo na yung kamukha mo kapag ngumingiti na parang ngumingiwing pusa.

Mapagtitiisan ko ang sinumang kapareho mo sa mga ayaw at gustong bagay sa mundong ibabaw,
yung mga bagay na walang kabuluhan at hindi natin lagi napagsasang-ayunan.

Matitiis ko din ang isang taong kaugali mong madaling sumpungin lalo’t kapag pagod,
na sa gitna nang pamamasyal ay biglang susuko’t mag-aayang umuwi na lamang.

Mahuhulog ako sa isang taong katulad mong magkwento, katulad mong mang-asar o kaya naman ay
katulad mong tumawa’t humalakhak na may kasama pang malalakas na hampas.

Mas pipiliin kong sumama sa taong kaparehas mong kumain na mas matakaw sa kanin
at laging maraming itinitirang ulam.  Matakaw rin ako sa kanin kaya naman tuloy naisip ko
noon na meant to be talaga tayo dahil isang order lang ng ulam ay sapat na sa ating dalawa.

Malamang na magustuhan ko din agad-agad ang kung sinumang kaamoy mo.
Yung kaamoy ng pabango mong hindi nakatutusing at hindi ako hihikain kaya naman kayang-kaya
kitang yakapin hanggang mag-animnapung segundo... o higit pa.

Mahuhumaling akong tunay sa isang lalaki o sa babaeng halos katulad mong kumilos. 
Mabilis pero tinatantsa ang bawat gawa, magalaw pero hindi nakasasagabal at nakasisira,
may karisma at may alindog na nakahahalina.

Mapapatawad ko siya kung siya ay mainipin at madaling mapikon dahil nasanay na ako sa iyo. 
At hindi ako basta-basta makikipag-away dahil nadala ako sa’yo na pinapalaki ang isyu
at ginagawang malaking gulo ang munting ‘di napagkakaunawaan.

Hahanap-hanapin ko, sigurado, ang kasing lambing mo at kasing maalaga mo lalo’t kapag 
may dysmenorrhea ako.

Mapagtya-tyagaan ko ang amoy ng magugustuhan kong babae na hindi naliligo sa unang araw 
ng kanyang menstruation dahil sinanay mo ako.  Tinanggap ko ang paniniwala mong mababaliw ang 
nagbabasa ng ulo kapag unang araw ng kanyang dalaw. 
Siguro nga.  Dahil buang ako sa’yo.

Hinding-hindi ko na pakakawalan ang sinumang kagaya mong lumingkis sa’kin sa tuwing 
natutulog ng mahimbing at humalik-halik sa pisngi ko para ako ay gisingin.

Siguro habang-buhay kong hahanap-hanapin sa taong matututunan kong mahalin ang mga
bagay na natutunan kong mahalin sa’yo… ang mga bagay na hindi mo ikina-perpekto.  

Siguro nga habang-buhay kong gugunitahin ang pagkahulog ko sa’yo.
Siguro ay habang-buhay na nga akong may pagtingin sa’yo.
Ngunit kahit pa na hahanap-hanapin kita ay alam ko ang limitasyon ko sa buhay mo. 
Alam kong may linyang nagpipigil sa akin na mangahas na tumawid papunta sa iyo.



Ang tanging magagawa ko na lamang ay mangulila’t maghanap ng taong iibigin ko…
hindi lang nang medyo katulad mo kundi ‘yung mamahalin ko
katulad ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo.

Huwebes, Oktubre 9, 2014

TATLONG ORAS KO SA'YO


Pagpatak ng madilim na ala-una, biglang magmumuni-muni.

01:05 Bakit ako tanga sa’yo?

01:30 Bakit hindi ka naging akin?

01:49 Bakit hindi ko nagawan ng paraan?

Paulit-ulit na lang gabi-gabi ang mga sentimyento.

02:02 Saan ako nagkulang?

02:23 Saan ko nga ba inilugar ang sarili ko?

02:30 Saan ako maaaring muling mag-uumpisa para ikaw ay mabawi?

Pero bigla na lang ding maaaduwa’t maiiyak sa galit.

02:50 Ano nga ba talaga ako noong tayo’y ‘di mapaghiwalay?

03:14 Ano ba ang naging kahulugan ng mga landi, yakap at halik…
pati ng mga sakripisyo?

03:20 Ano nga ba ang mga punyetang dapat ginawa?

Putrages. Parang hindi na yata matatauhan pa.

03:37 Paano ka maglalaho sa isipan?

03:54 Paano matatagpuan ang sarili kung ang puso’y nawaglit na?


04:19 Paano ko na naman haharapin, mamaya paggising…
ang katotohang hindi talaga ako ang iyong mahal?

Panahon


Lunes, Oktubre 6, 2014

Midnight Caffeine Vent (mej subtle)


For those who gave up on me…who made me feel special temporarily
and those who gave me ephemeral joy sometimes, thanks
(but apparently, no thanks anymore)…
and I am so, so sorry for making you feel like shit.
I know that I’m the bitch here but how i wish you knew my story.
If you cannot understand, at least accept. Accept the truth that I'm fucked up.
So let’s just carry on with our lives without affecting each other,
without blaming anyone,
without hating,
without thinking our paths will cross again in the future
'coz I’m so done and I don’t want to hurt anyone repeatedly.
p.s. I am not heartless… I am just heartbroken.

Ang Buhay Ay Parang Viodable Contract


Linggo, Oktubre 5, 2014

Lunes, Setyembre 29, 2014

May Ipinaglalaban Lang

Nagtanong: Bakit gusto mo magturo?

Me: Dahil gusto kong dumaldal.  Dahil gusto ko laging mag-aral.  Dahil gusto kong makausap ang mga mas bata sa akin, marinig ang kanilang diwa, at maturuan pa silang mag-isip.  Dahil gusto kong ibahagi ang anumang talento't talino na biyaya sa akin.  Dahil hindi ko habol ang pera para maging instrumento ng pag-unlad ng bansa.  Dahil alam kong nasa tamang daan ako at gusto kong may kasama sa lakbay kong ito.  Dahil gusto kong makasama ang mga kabataan.  Dahil isa rin akong kabataan na naghahangad ng pag-unlad.  Dahil marami akong matututunan sa iba't ibang uri ng tao sa isang silid.  Dahil gusto kong maging magaling ang mga Pilipino.  Dahil pangarap kong tulungan ang ilan sa pagkamit ng kanilang mga pangarap kahit isa lang ang ituturo kong subject.  Dahil matagal ko nang gustong palitan ang ibang guro na nagaaksaya ng oras sa klase at hindi ginagamit nang wasto ang oras upang makaimpluwensya ng maganda't mabuti.  Dahil sa halip na lakas ng loob ay pagdurog ng moral ang ginagawa ng ibang guro na gusto kong palitan.  Dahil gusto ko ring palitan ang ibang guro na sariling kapakanan lamang ang iniisip na ang sabi pati ay dapat na ang mga natututunan ng mga estudyante ay para lamang maging matagumpay sa buhay, tingalain ng marami.  Dahil gusto kong imulat ang maraming mata na ang edukasyon ay hindi sapilitan, ito ay biyaya at dapat pasaganahin upang umasenso hindi lamang ang sarili kundi ang buong bayan.  Dahil gusto kong sabihin sa mga murang utak na makakaharap ko na ang karne sa loob ng bungo ay dapat na masustansya at ang tumitibok na lamang loob ay dapat alam ang hustisya.  Dahil gusto ko rin may makarinig ng mga kwento ko tungkol sa aking buhay na alam kong makakapagbigay inspirasyon sa maraming kabataan, pati na rin ang mga pagkakamali ko, upang sila ay matuto hindi lamang sa kanilang mga pagkakamali kundi pati sa pagkakamaling maririnig nila mula sa akin.  At higit sa lahat... isa akong guro dahil gusto ko ring may makarinig ng mga jokes ko.

Nagtanong:  hugot pa more.

Biyernes, Agosto 8, 2014

Martes, Hulyo 1, 2014

Where, What, How Are You Now?

Where are you now?

What are you now?

How are you now?


These questions are being asked to me by colleagues, friends, former officemates, elementary schoolmates, former flings, high school acquaintances, curious arseholes, some college connections, THE SOCIETY!  But little did they know I have been asking myself the same questions and have been trying to answer them painstakingly.

I don’t know how I am going to start explaining myself.  Stop!  Oh for gadsakes, do I need to explain myself?

No, I don’t have to! (no one cares, too)


I’m doing whatever it is that I wanna do in my life.  My decisions, my problems, my solutions.

However, I’m expecting this unpopular blog of mine to ease the pain that I’m feeling, the pain of being misconstrued not only by judgmental earthlings but also, by my own psyche.  I shouldn't be writing this but here we go… here we go!


“Where are you now?  I heard you had a stable job?  Why did you leave?”

And there are two types of askers!  After listening to my response, one will end it with “Good for you!” and the other one is going to be disgusted and end it with “How unfortunate of you.”

I got employed because I thought I could save money for CPA board review and help my family on our pecuniary predicament.  We were going through rough patch when I was working, bleeding, sacrificing and being-enslaved-by-transportation-system at NCR.  We were totally broke and insolvent.  So I was pressured to get a stable job at an established well-known corporation that I THOUGHT could feed our starving stomachs.  I left that fantasy-turned-into-fallacy BUT didn’t regret it.  I will never ever regret that.  It made me a better professional and a sensible law-abiding citizen.  I am proud to share my experiences in credit-card accounting and most importantly, I earned fascinating beautiful acquaintances.  At that occupation, I was growing except my economy.  As I foresaw that certain employment was going to bore me, I decided to resign from office and push my business plan through.  God provided and blessed me thus I am now here at our family affair, a coffeehouse.  I own it… We own it...  Our family’s fight and getting up from being knocked down is continuous.  Where am I?  I am here with them living a dream.


“What are you now?”

After being unfortunate on CPA board exam, what am I now?  Am I still pursuing the abbreviation I want to add after my surname?  Am I still the person who is hankering after a license?  Yes, I am still that person.  But I’m not perfect and filthy rich and not as genius as heck.  I cannot review while managing a business.  I cannot pay review-related-costs!  I cannot just pursue my thing then can’t be totally focused on it.  I should not waste my time.  So If you think I’m wasting my time, wasting my time helping my family, helping the youth, helping some people, helping myself… you’re wrong.  It is not wasting.  If you’re afraid that I may lose my other dream, then don’t be scared.  ‘Coz I’m not even terrified at all.

For an update, I am currently a young entrepreneur and a college instructor teaching subjects that are so far out from the degree that I earned.  Honestly, it sounds not that good at all.  I want to be a CPA and yet I’m a person who’s a trying-hard-businessman and a prof of philosophy and literature in college.  This is wrong again! For people who think I should only stick myself to a one big dream.

I know (not just assuming) that there are people who are judging me like… Y U PUT UP A BUSINESS? Y U TEACHING PHILOSOPHY ‘N LITERATURE ‘N Y NOT THE ACCOUNTING RELATED COURSES?  Y U DOIN’ THOSE AND NOT DOIN’ THIS AND THIS AND THIS?

I wish they could hear my questions, too: Are you me?  Do you know what I know I can do best?  Are you the one who’s feeding me to keep me kicking?  Are you affected on every moves and decisions I make?

I have my own reasons.  I have my own battles.  I have my stories.

But still… I. Must. Get. My. Shit. Together. (and there’s our truce!)



"How are you now?"

Well, I pretty much said everything.  So judging my rant… I am fine. Some people are not just fine with me being fine.  But I am fine.



Thank you.

Biyernes, Marso 21, 2014

To Expect The Unexpected...

is a complete and utter bullshit.

Sorry, I've been swearing a lot... well, just lately.  I feel so honest and so sure that I'm currently struggling in the stage of human life when one's wondering 'which is worse: getting older or getting wiser'.

Before you proceed, I'd like to advise you that this blog is a blog of a drama queen.  That sounds more of a warning, darling.

I got a job.  That's expected.

I got business plans.  That's truly expected.  Especially, by people who really, really know me.

I got an asthma attack.  Expected, too.  Stress, NCR's pollution, my kind of transportation everyday are the best culprits, of course.  Thus, it is intensely expected... by my mom and my specialist.

But having an asthma attack that makes me feel very vulnerable, makes me feel God-no-i-am-too-rare-to-die-please-not-now and makes me hate myself for being inefficient at work and at my plans... is a, again, complete and utter bullshit!

I've been shivering, shaking, dramatically palpitating, hallucinating, overthinking, laughing so hard at very trivial nonsense matters, crying and sleeping-like-a-baby-I-wake-up-every-two-hours.

Apparently, I feel weak... physically and emotionally.  You see my mind, to be very honest, is not healthy.  I feel shitty and so fucked up!

Despite of these... or should I say... BECAUSE of these, now, I have to make a final decision.

My mind is in turmoil and nerve cells have been grouped to two and they are debating.  This decision making is affecting me as a career-person and as an entrepreneur.  Oh yes, and as an eldest-daughter, too!  Shit.

This is not as difficult as deciding what meal you'll order in McDonalds, what shirt you'll wear for the whole freaking day and what t.v. series you'll watch for marathon.  

No.  This is much much much difficult-er.

I have to choose one.
A person cannot serve two gods at a time.

I have to decide using my freewill and intellect that the Awesome Dude One has given me.

So help me God.

Huwebes, Pebrero 6, 2014

Uma-other Way Around

"So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book... when shouldn't it be the other way around?" - Kathleen Kelly, You've Got Mail (1998)

So...

I've been away from my blog/microblogs and usual internet thingy lately.  No one cares, I know.  Just an update that I am not THAT updated like... before.

Well, it is nice because I'm earning, I work my butt off and I can read books (non-academic ones) and not just scroll mouse while staring at pictures on Tumblr and I can only tweet when I got time for that shit (it's a great kind of shit).  And I believe that this is like a gospel on the world wide web... it's a good news!  (Unemployed people stay longer on internet.)

I'm living now in a place I've never thought I could live in.  I hate the stressful haggardous (haggard + hazardous) life here.  Thought I'd give up any moment and just escape this ugly truth in life.  I thought I couldn't carry on.

Okay, here's a list of loathsome truths, the might-be-reasons-why-I-would-prefer-to-stay-unemployed:

1. heavy traffic (daig ang brokenhearted sa di pag-move on)
2. sardinas-mode on trains (siksikan, balyahan, hindi-hihinga-para-magkasya)
3. office (not the people but the fact that you have to be a robot for 8 hours)
4. sardinas-mode on trains
5. stressful life
6. deal with "true to life" accounting shits (di lahat nasa Theory Of Accounts ni Valix)
7. sardinas-mode on trains
8. less tv
9. less gala with friends
10. less twitter
11. sardinas-mode on trains
12. pollution
13. di makaka-review ng ayos
14. di safe, may mga kawatan
15. and the sardinas-mode on trains na nga plus box-office-hit na pila plus standing ovation plus matataas na hagdan (akalain mong kakayanin kong makipagsiksikan eh ayaw ko nga na nadadali ng kungsinoman ang balikat at braso ko!)

Yet, there's only one powerful thing that would crash those rants: SALARY.  I am taking all the risks for that.  Big amount or small amount, what's important is you know how to use and budget it.  And that kinda summed up everything.  Hindi ka naman siguro ngangayon lang ipinanganak para ipaliwanag ko pa ang kahalagahan ng pambili mo ng pagkain.

Everything's fast here.  Lahat rush, lahat nagmamadali, lahat may kanya-kanyang laban sa buhay.  Kaya bawal ang kukupad-kupad, lalampa-lampa, sakitin (aray, tinamaan ako), at pa-late-late (aray ulit).  Traffic and LRT-MRT  inconvenience are not valid reasons for being late.  Can I say I'm more matured now than ever?  Kudos to me.  Yay!  >tapping myself at the back<

PERO PWEDE ANG MEDYO TANGA.  Medyo uso 'yun dito, so don't worry like hell.

That's one more thing I learned here.  You have to accept the fact that you're an amateur, an idiot.  At first, you have to ask questions, you have to follow people on streets to find the exit/entrance of some places, get lost and get a lot of mistakes TO LEARN!  Kaya hindi pinagtatawanan ang mga tao dito kapag mali ang pasok nila ng card sa LRT o MRT, kapag nagtatanong ng street na di malay na kinatatayuan pala nila.  Hindi ka pagtatawanan.  Nakakahiya, pero laging isipin... lahat sila, lahat kami, dumaan sa ganyan.  At patuloy natin itong mararanasan habang tayo ay naglalakbay sa ating buhay.  (Unless you're a potato couch or on Facebook 24/7, I doubt you'll experience that.)

Medyo tanga lang dapat.  Huwag yung tanga talaga.  Naka-corporate attire din ang mga magnanakaw dito.  Costume ba!

IF I CANNOT CHANGE THESE HAPPENINGS, THEN I CHANGE MY VIEWS ON THEM.  I realized that, as a writer (frustrated nga lang)... you have to jump-in on a lot of things for you to have something to write.  I love observing beautiful creatures everyday, beautiful creations of God and men.  I like trying to understand freaky/creepy scenes everyday.  I enjoy the friendly sunlight of sunrise everyday.  Now, I have more things to write, to think about, to understand and to share to anyone.  Plus, I work with people who knows how to have fun, who have lots of stories (they prefer funny ones) and PEOPLE WHO LOVES BOOKS, COFFEE AND MOVIES!!! Damn, feels like home.  

However, to be honest... I haven't adjusted well yet, physically and emotionally.  (Mentally adjusted na eh.) It's a pretty fucked up little life.  I said that everything's fast but it feels so slow.  I doubt myself sometimes.  Why am I here?  Am I really supposed to be here?  A rocky path's not the problem but a foggy one.

But I always have to remind myself that we all have to start from the bottom to get on the top.  That we have to be confused and curious first before we ask a proper question thus, to get the right answers.  That every little good thing we do everyday will be a good habit and it will be rewarding.  It has to be good to be rewarding.  Let's trust that.